Favorite First Time Watches of 2023

I know I haven’t been using this blog as much as I originally intended to. I’ve done a few movie-related posts, some recipes, and other nonsense, but still . . . I haven’t been as active as I wanted to be. Hopefully, I can change that in 2024. I’d love to write more about film and post some abhorrent recipes. Well, not too many. I don’t want to vomit that often. So, rather than starting the new year off making my house smell like spam jell-o, I’ll just give you my top films of 2023. I only watched 136 new-to-me movies last year, and that feels way too low. Need to get back to the 300+ years! Anyways, here are my Top 10 favorite first time watches of 2023. As always, they’re in no particular order.

Usually when I do a post like this, I add the director, writer, and the actors/actresses, plus my opinion of the film. I’m not going to do that this time around. I’m going to keep it simple. I’ll list the ten films and one sentence as to why I loved it. Short and simple! Plus, I just wrote a lot in my current novel and I’m getting hungry. Hmm . . . maybe I should make some Spam.

Sorry, I’m getting off topic. Here’s the list:

Devil in a Blue Dress (‘95)

Denzel in a Neo-Noir.

Oppenheimer (2023)

Picture of the damn year.

Witness for the Prosecution (‘57)

A masterpiece.

The Verdict (‘82)

One of Paul Newman’s finest performances.

Local Hero (‘83)

An unheralded gem everyone needs to see at least once.

Carnival of Souls (‘62)

Arguably one of the greatest B films to sell your soul to.

Fury (2014)

A war film you feel down to your core.

All Quiet on the Western Front (2022)

World War I was hell.

Barton Fink (‘91)

You’re not always 100% sure what’s going on, but you can’t look away.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (‘58)

Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor ensure the roof is scalding.

Honorable Mention:

The April Fools (‘69)

Miracle on 34th Street (‘47)

On the Waterfront (‘54)

Barbie (2023)

The Railway Man (2013)

Alright, that concludes my favorites! But here’s a bonus. Check out the documentary, They’ll Love Me When I’m Dead (2018). It’s fantastic.

Noirvember Gems

In honor of this year’s Noirvember, I figured I’d start a list of ten of my lesser-known favorites from the genre. By lesser-known, I’m including anything on IMDb with less than 1,000 ratings. Also, these are in no particular order and somehow, they were directed by ten different directors. I guess that’s not luck . . . that’s a B film, baby! Oh, and my synopses are basically there to get you to watch the film because I won’t be explaining enough about the film. You’re welcome. 

Manhandled (1949)

Director: Lewis R. Foster

Writers: Lewis R. Foster, Whitman Chambers, L.S. Goldsmith

Cast: Dan Duryea, Dorothy Lamour, Sterling Hayden, Irene Hervey, and Phillip Reed

Synopsis: Dan Duryea is the private eye in this one. Isn’t that enough? Do you even need a synopsis to see Duryea not automatically listed as the scheming hood?

Los Tallos Amargos (1956)

Director: Fernando Ayala

Writers: Sergio Leonardo and Adolfo Jasca

Cast: Carlos Cores, Julia Sandoval, Vassili Lambrinos, Gilda Lousek, and Pablo Moret

Synopsis: I’ve only seen this one once, but I liked it enough to include it here. From what I remember, two unlikely men pair up and start to rake in some dough through a journalism school scheme. You know, that old trick? Then, one of the men gets into a moral dilemma within himself and umm . . . stuff happens. Boom. Bet you want to watch this one now, eh?

The Hunted (1948)

Director: Jack Bernhard

Writer: Steve Fisher

Cast: Preston Foster, Belita, Pierre Watkin, Edna Holland, and Russell Hicks

Synopsis: A detective suspects his girlfriend may be a jewel thief. That’s it. That’s all you get.

Flaxy Martin (1949)

Director: Richard L. Bare

Writer: David Lang

Cast: Virginia Mayo, Zachary Scott, Dorothy Malone, Elisha Cook Jr., and Helen Westcott

Synopsis: Virginia Mayo plays a woman named Flaxy. I really don’t think there’s much else in this story that matters because that name is wild. Okay, Zachary Scott’s character goes to jail . . . or does he? Watch and find out how those two things tie together! Flaxy!

Wicked Woman (1953)

Director: Russell Rouse

Writer: Clarence Greene and Russell Rouse

Cast: Richard Egan, Beverly Michaels, Percy Helton, Evelyn Scott, and Robert Osterloh

Synopsis: Beverly Michaels comes into town with her sights on one thing: Richard Egan. That’s it. Will she get him? Or will the weirdo, Charlie (played by Percy Helton), ruin everything?

Vice Squad (1953)

Director: Arnold Laven

Writers: Lawrence Roman and Leslie T. White

Cast: Edward G. Robinson, Paulette Goddard, K.T. Stevens, Porter Hall, and Adam Williams

Synopsis: It’s one of those procedural Noirs, but it follows EGR a lot, so you should probably watch it.

No Questions Asked (1951)

Director: Harold F. Kress

Writers: Sidney Sheldon and Berne Giler

Cast: Barry Sullivan, Arlene Dahl, Jean Hagen, Richard Anderson, and George Murphy

Synopsis: Barry plays a lawyer who gets involved with the wrong side of the law to make a quick buck, and you know what he does? He doesn’t ask questions. Boom.

Death in Small Doses (1957)

Director: Joseph M. Newman

Writers: Arthur L. Davis and John McGreevey

Cast: Peter Graves, Mala Powers, Chuck Connors, Merry Anders, and Roy Engel

Synopsis: “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” If you said ‘yes,’ that’s neat, but that’s not what this movie is about. Peter Graves isn’t a pilot here. Instead, he’s an undercover FDA agent investigating the amphetamine use amongst long-haul truck drivers, who use the drugs to stay awake.

No Man’s Woman (1955)

Director: Franklin Adreon

Writers: Don Martin and John K. Butler

Cast: Marie Windsor, John Archer, Nancy Gates, Jill Jarmyn, and Patric Knowles

Synopsis: Marie Windsor. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. She’s no man’s woman in this one.

The Clay Pigeon (1949)

Director: Richard Fleischer

Writer: Carl Foreman

Cast: Barbara Hale, Bill Williams, Richard Quine, Richard Loo, and Frank Fenton

Synopsis: Man in coma. Man wakes from coma. Man has amnesia. Man must unravel the plot.

If you’d like a better synopsis for any of these films, just Google it. But I swear mine are way better and definitely help the intrigue, right?

Stay Afloat

Lost in the moment, he closed his eyes and typed. No looking to delete. No watching to re-read what he typed. Still, in the moment, he sits . . . thinking. He thinks about his struggles with words, his discontent with the changing seasons, his headache, his frustrations buried deep within his subconscious. How can a mind . . . a mind someone’s had since birth, betray them so much? How can something we use to put these very words on the page decide it wants to be evil some days? How can a mind that controls this body decide some moments aren’t worth its time? How can a mind make you one thing one day and the next you’re reduced to rubble? Compressed into the cement, clamoring for a chance to get out, to be who you were yesterday. But you can’t . . . you can’t because it’s not your mind today. It’s his. Whoever he is.  How is that fair? How is pain fair? How is suffering because of one misstep fair? How is any of this fair? I’ve made mistakes. We all have. But to feel as if I’ve broken the hearts of everyone I love because I couldn’t write today, or because work was difficult, or because I was too lazy . . . is awful. To feel down in a rut because one thing didn’t go completely right is cruel. It’s stupid. It’s bogus. It’s downright evil. Our minds aren’t just there to keep us afloat; somedays they’re there to remind us there’s water beneath us, that we can get pulled down because that’s just how the mind wants to feel on that particular day. It’s unfair to drown because of one action, one thought, one idea, one mistake. But that’s just how it works . . . and the longer we dwell, the worse it gets. I just wish I could find a ladder and get out of the damn pool. I’m tired of floating, tired of being fraught with anxiety. I’m tired. But it’s okay. I can swim. I can use floaties. I can do what I need to do to keep my head above water. And I’ll keep treading even if it means I’ll get a little water in my eyes. After all, it’s okay. This pool is huge. There are a lot of us in here together.

*I did fix the grammar, but that’s it. This is a rough draft, and so am I.

Just Write

Those days when the words won’t come are the worst. It’s not that the words are lost; it’s that they’re unsure how to assemble themselves. The ideas are present. The outline is there. But the story waits because I can’t figure out how to say what I need to say. My minds runs in fifty different directions and half of them aren’t even relevant to what I want to write. Being a writer isn’t necessarily just about one’s ability to craft a story, it’s about what you do in moments like this. It’s what your mind does when it can’t write—when it can’t create the way you want it to. That’s why when I hit a wall and I can’t progress my story any further, I open a blank word document and type. No deleting. No second guessing. Just typing. Anything to make sense of the writing process; anything to get my fingers moving.

And this is where I am today.

I’m struggling, but I’m not going to shut down my computer and walk away. I’m going to keep moving; I’m going to keep typing nonsense until something worthwhile comes from this venture.

And I’m going to post this to my blog as a reminder to myself why I’ve chosen this path.

Vintage Charm at Home, Part II

In my last post, I shared a lot of unique built-in features that make my 1955 home . . . well, home. For this one, I’ve lined up ten photos of things my wife and I have added to the house to build upon its midcentury charm. I thought about adding trinkets and other vintage ephemera I have, but I think that would be a novel in itself. A lot of us are collectors of vintage items, so I’m sure you understand why it’s easier to just show the tables, chairs, etc. that are a big part of our lives, rather than literally every vintage item I own. I’ll just stick to posting those to Twitter on occasion.

Anyways, without further ado, here are some things we’ve added with little descriptions of each:

  1. First thing up is our booth! There’s a table with it now, but until that gets stained, and the space behind it gets covered in the wood paneling I want, this is the pic I’ll share for now.

  2. Next up is our wonderful pink couch. Pink was such a popular color in the 1950’s, so we knew we HAD to get a pink couch with a chaise that extends farther than my wife is tall. Also, the emerald pillows were a great little add-on to truly make this space perfect.

  3. This is our 1948 Formica (I believe) table we received from my wife’s parents. It used to belong to my father-in-law’s grandmother. The chairs have the original frames, but the cushions are new and were upholstered by a local upholstery shop. Also, there’s a leaf we can add to the middle, but if you think pulling apart a wood table is difficult, try something that’s a little older and made with some metal. It’s a workout.

  4. This is one of the two green chairs my wife and I got from Amazon to complete the midcentury furniture setup of our living room. They’re quite comfortable and they absolutely fit the vibe.

  5. This burnt-orange 70’s Chromcraft chair is part of a set of four we were graciously gifted by my in-laws once again. One of my father-in-law’s co-workers was going to offload them, but he swept in and saved them. They’re wonderful chairs and they’re great for sitting in and working on a puzzle. I say this because that’s how they’ve been used thus far. Definitely not as groovy of a time as I’m sure these chairs have seen, but whatevs.

  6. This is our current living room coffee table. My wife got it at a local antique shop and I’m sure glad she did. It’s wonderful. I wish I knew the exact age, but I don’t. I’d venture to guess based on style and height (it’s a little short), that it’s late 50s/early 60s.

  7. Next up is an end table we use between those two green chairs. This was also bought at an antique store. Unfortunately, Hector got a little crazy as a puppy and chewed on some of the wood on the front right corner, but it’s okay. It’s still a great piece!

  8. Here we have my midcentury-styled TV stand. It’s not a true antique, but it’s the exact style I wanted.

  9. This is my record player stand complete with an autographed picture of Gene Tierney. All my records are tucked in the cabinet. I’m pretty much a record or two away from it overflowing, too. Whoops. Also, it may look like it’s in a dingy space, but the plans I have for that basement . . . it’ll be amazing someday.

  10. Last, but not least, are these cute little curtains we got right when we moved in for our kitchen windows. They add a perfect little touch of the 50s to accentuate the sea-foam color we painted the walls. Plus, they make the wood paneling below pop just a little more.

Alright, so that’s part two of my Vintage Charm at Home posts. I could do a third, but like I said, it would be a lot of knick-knacks. Maybe another time.

Vintage Charm at Home, Part I

Since my wife and I moved into our 1955 home two years ago, I’ve posted a few pictures of its charm on Twitter. However, I haven’t shown everything. With that, I’m planning on introducing everyone to what sold us on this house, but over the course of a two-part post. This first one will include some of the original features and the second will showcase the bits and pieces my wife and I have added to keep the mid-century modern vibe going strong.

Without further ado, here we go. Also, I’m not a good photographer. You’ll see why as you scroll through.

With all the pieces pictured above, here’s a little bit about each:

  1. That’s our bookshelf built-in that we refuse to knock down. Some people have stepped in the front door and asked why we’ve kept it. They don’t get it. It oozes vintage charm and it’s utterly beautiful (minus some bite marks from Hector).

  2. Our bathroom medicine cabinet (this picture is a little old; the paint behind is now pink). The light fixtures beside the mirror are one of my favorite features of our bathroom along with some built-in storage and a small laundry chute. I didn’t post either of those because they’re a little cluttered presently.

  3. Our side door doorbell. When you ring it, it sounds like you’re at a camp and they’re ringing the dinner bell. Basically, if I ring it enough, the whole neighborhood will be over.

  4. The original hardwood floors. The wood flows into our bedroom and office. It could use some cleaning/buffing to get back its original shine, but nonetheless, it’s beautiful and in good condition.

  5. Our front doorbell. Unfortunately, the doorbell is no longer hooked up and works, but the bell remains. It’s too unique to take down.

  6. The front door. It needs a little elbow grease and some stain to get it up to where we want it, but that day will come! The three windows and the knocker make me so happy every time I see them. Also, this door is incredibly thick and heavy. Not sure much could get through it.

  7. These are our front railings. They were pretty rusty, but we sanded them down and applied new black paint to bring back that original beauty.

  8. I included this picture of our 50’s red rotary phone because of what it’s sitting on. A phone nook (also wood paneling below; it flows through the dining part of our kitchen)! It also has a small space underneath it for the phonebook. Unfortunately, there’s no way a modern phonebook would fit in it . . . so, I guess I need to find one from the 50’s. Yay! Another excuse to go antiquing!

  9. Last, but not least is the basement bar. It has a beautiful orange/yellow/green pendant lamp hanging above its parquet bar top. The chairs are also the ones that came with the house. Not sure what year they’re from, but I love them. And yes, I need better storage for all that liquor. That will come in time. And no, it’s not too much.

Though, I only chose nine, these aren’t the only original features this place possesses. There are quite a few more, but for now, these were the best, so I had to share them.

Part II will come next week!

Glop Slop, an Adventure in Indigestion

In my last post, I included a vote as to which recipe I should make. All the options (minus the SPAM one) were particularly atrocious—well, maybe just the salmon-tomato one. The rest had their pros and cons; that one was all cons. Anyways, the SPAM recipe won, but since I believed it to be superior in terms of taste, I said screw it and I’ll go with the runner-up. That’s what led to PET Milk’s Tuna Pizza. Just the name is making my stomach churn.

Anyways, here’s the ad that led me down such a dark path:

I should have known when I read step 2 and it said, “. . . cover with 1/2 cup catsup or chili sauce, then with a 7-oz. can Tuna,” that I was in for a treat. And boy was I.

I mean, just look at this thing while it’s in the oven. I couldn’t even be bothered to take a picture beforehand because all the evaporated milk that I had to spread to the edges, just dripped off the sides. It wasn’t really a parmesan and evaporated milk mixture; it was a pile of slop. And then I had to put the chili sauce/ketchup on top of that slop? How? How was I supposed to do that? So, guess what I did? I glopped it on the slop. Glop slop.

Just look at that “mixture” trying to build its own crust around the dough.

After a solid nine-ish minutes in the oven at 450, I decided it was time to take this thing out before my house smelled of evaporated milk and hot ketchup.

Overall, it didn’t look too unappetizing . . . and somehow, it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. That still goes to the hot dog aspic. Anyways, the chili sauce/ketchup was the most overwhelming part of the whole thing. It overtook every other flavor, so when I got a bite that was an edge piece with just the slop, crust, and oregano, it wasn’t too bad. Also, the edges were the only part with any crunch. The rest of the dough was rather soft.

If I had to make it again, I’d remove the chili sauce and just let the evaporated milk and parmesan go about their business. Then, I’d throw the can of tuna out the window; my neighbors can have it if they want it. Nothing wrong with the tuna, but it’s not needed here. I understand for the late 50’s, this was cheap and a time saver, but in 2023 almost anything else would suffice instead.

My final decision: make it.

Just kidding.

Go eat something better while my stomach twists.

Seriously, all I taste is chili sauce right now.

Pick My Poison

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but since I haven’t been consistent with my posting, I’m allowing you guys to choose the next vintage dish I make. I’ve compiled four options (from posts this year) I would at least try a few bites of, rather than the various insane aspics I’ve posted over the years. I know if I gave you guys four of those to choose from, you’d make me eat jellied veal and olive or something that would likely result in vomit.

Anyways, here are your four choices:

Salmon Salad Mold

Spam N’ Macaroni Loaf

Tuna Pizza

Tropicana Waldorf Salad

Alright, there are all the options. I’ve turned comments on for this post, so post your choice below! Also, just know that whatever you choose, I’ll only be mad at you a little bit (unless it’s Spam; that one looks tasty).

A Little Mayo Makes Perfect

I post a lot of mayo-centric things to Twitter. Probably more than most people. Whether it be a dollop of Hellman’s atop a fruit “salad” or several cups blended into a Jell-O “salad,” you bet I’ll find it. And you sure as hell know I’ll post it. Mayonnaise is just too good and too versatile not to share. Plus, let’s be honest, earlier eras used it dare I say . . . too much? Nah. Not possible.

Also, if you’re wondering why salad is in quotes; well, that’s because there’s no way any of those things are salad. They’re just chaos labeled as salad because, apparently, “a mess” is not appropriate to describe food. I think it works just fine, but I didn’t make the rules. Some weirdo in the early 1900s did.

Anyways, my obsession with mayonnaise recently got to a point where I ended up buying a cookbook entirely related to it. Titled That Amazing Ingredient: Mayonnaise, Hellman’s legitimately made a cookbook completely about mayo. From simple sandwiches and dressings to something called a “Pink Cloud Mold,” this book has it all.

Being the brave soul I am . . . I completely avoided all the scary dishes and started with an easy one: Cheddar-Onion Bread. I’ve heard mayo works well in breads and desserts in a way sour cream does, so why not give it a go? I mean, I suck at baking. I’m a pretty decent chef, but baking and I don’t see eye-to-eye, which is weird considering I worked in a bakery for four-and-a-half years. I guess frying donuts and making giant batches of brownies doesn’t constitute as legitimate baking. Then again, neither do half the recipes in this book.

Without further ado, here’s Hellman’s (or Best Foods’) recipe for Cheddar-Onion Bread:

·      2 ½ cups unsifted flour

·      1 tbs baking powder

·      ½ tsp salt

·      ½ cup Hellman’s or Best Foods mayo

·      2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

·      ½ cup minced green onions

·      1 egg

·      ¾ cup milk

The steps are as follows:

1.     Grease a 1 ½ quart casserole

2.     In a large bowl stir together first three ingredients

3.     Stir in mayonnaise until mixture resembles coarse crumbs

4.     Add cheese and onions; toss

5.     Beat together egg and milk; stir into cheese mixture until moistened

6.     Spoon into casserole

Here’s what mine looked like before it went in the oven. It was sort of crumbly, but I just mashed it down because nobody said I couldn’t.

7.     Bake in 425F oven for 35-45 minutes

The finished product after about 35 minutes.

It came out a little flaky, but didn’t fall apart. I added some butter after the picture was taken and oh man . . . it was delicious!

It seems now I need to go make a crazy mayonnaise recipe that makes me question my sanity. This one was unfair to all those who prefer to see me go insane. So, I guess next time I’m making the pink cloud mold.

My Reality

To me, anxiety isn’t just a word. It’s a feeling. When I’m anxious, I don’t get simply mentally unnerved, exhausted, or overwhelmed, I get pulled down . . . almost physically. My shoulders, arms, chest, neck, head, every part feels like someone’s yanking on my tendons, my tissues, my bones until they’re on the ground, level with the feeling I have inside. And when everything comes crashing to the surface, another devilish little word sneaks in to do its dirty work: depression.

Preying on my weakened state, it avoids the broken fragments below; instead, it goes for the mind. It prods and pulls the lingering negativity until it gets a juicy piece, a piece full of pain. Then, like any wretched thing, it gnaws and gnaws at it for what feels like forever. It would be so much better if it could just get a small piece and swallow it down in one bite, but no, that would be too easy. It has to pick and pick and fucking pick at the slice of meat like a vulture.

By the time it gets to the end of that one scrumptious chunk, it goes for a second, and maybe a third or fourth depending on the day. Unless, by some miracle, I’m able to shove the beast away before it gets too deep . . . but, much like anxiety, it’s not an easy thing to stave off. I’ve tried therapy, meds, exhaustive movie marathons, burying my head under a pillow, telling myself it’s all just in my head, and of course turning my attention to something else, something I always thought was stronger than the beast: alcohol. Turns out, it’s not. It just tastes good.

Throughout my exhaustive search to end what’s eating me, I can’t say I’ve found a cure-all. I’m not sure many who suffer have. All I’ve found is peace in knowing I’m not alone, that no matter how hard this creature tries to tear me apart, it can’t win. It can try, but it won’t win. Every day is a new day. Every hour is a new hour. The longer I keep moving forward, the sooner it falls behind. I just need to keep my feet on the ground and know it’s okay to have issues with mental health; it’s normal. Far too many of us suffer in ways many will never know, but by writing this little bit about my struggles, I feel better. Just typing out the reality of what happens to me . . . well, it could help someone else. It could let them know that that monster pulling them down does it to so many of us, and there’s no way it can win if we all fight back.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

SPAM is My Jam

We all know canned meats are the best. Right? I mean, there’s a reason they’ve been around since the dawn of time (don’t Google that fact). Without canned meats, we could have lost wars, let Jell-O molds reign supreme far longer than they should have, and worst of all . . . wait the second thing was the worst part. Basically, SPAM is the best. I had my first taste of heaven sometime in the 90’s when my dad would grace our breakfast table with the perfect combination of SPAM and scrambled eggs. Since that first taste, I was hooked. While I may not eat it as often these days, I still crave it plenty.

So, today, I decided to let the craving win and tackle an early to mid 1960’s SPAM recipe. That being: SPAM Brittany.

I chose this recipe for two reasons. One: it has four ingredients; not many recipes (aside from dips) can get by with just four ingredients. Two: it looked delicious. Who doesn’t like orange marmalade? Or apples? I mean, I wasn’t going to eat the whole cloves, but I’ll never complain about the flavor they can lend to a dish.

Anyways, here are a few pictures of the easiest dish I’ve ever made besides a PB&J sandwich:

Overall, SPAM Brittany is delicious. The orange marmalade paired with the cloves give a lightly sweet flavor to the meat. The apples could have stayed in a little longer as they weren’t as soft as I would have liked, but when you got a good bite of one with a piece of SPAM, it was completely worth it. Overall, I’d definitely make this again. I just might use the lower sodium SPAM because sometimes salt and I don’t see eye to eye*.

*Don’t be salty about my salt opinion, you saltoholics.

Top Three First-Time Watches of 2022

Here are my top three first-time watches of 2022. It was tough to choose just three, but I kind of didn’t want to write about 10 movies, guys.

Paper Moon (’73)

Director: Peter Bogdanovich

Writers: Joe David Brown (novel) and Alvin Sargent

Cast: Ryan O’Neal, Tatum O’Neal, Madeline Kahn, John Hillerman, P.J. Johnson, and Jessie Lee Fulton

I watched this one back in early January, and it became an immediate favorite. Bogdanovich’s beautifully shot black and white dramatic comedy was not only my top film of 2022, but instantly catapulted itself into my top 25 all-time—a list I will never actually make. I mean c’mon, I’d probably go insane deciding which films didn’t make the list.

Anyways, Paper Moon is a masterpiece. Chef’s kiss. Whatever you want to call it—it’s that. Set during the Great Depression, the film follows Moses Pray (Ryan O’Neal), a con man who sells bibles at a ridiculous price to gullible buyers. After making some quick money early in the film, Moses runs into Addie Loggins, played by his daughter, Tatum O’Neal. The two forge a friendship predicated on the fact that Addie may actually be Moses’s daughter. From there, they go on to con the world. Well, not the whole world, but a lot of people.

This is one of those films where after you watch it, you go, “Whoa, that’s filmmaking,” or maybe, “That was swell.” I don’t know. Something like that. After your ending remark, you then proceed to watch it about three or four more times that week because you need to confirm that it is indeed an excellent picture. And then, like a year later, you finally write about it and decide to stop writing because you need to go watch it again pronto. So . . . umm, bye?

Oh wait, I got two more movies to write about.

Saving Private Ryan (’98)

Director: Steven Spielberg

Writer: Robert Rodat

Cast: Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Tom Sizemore, Edward Burns, Barry Pepper, Adam Goldberg, Vin Diesel, Giovanni Ribisi, Jeremy Davies, Ted Danson, Paul Giamatti, and Dennis Farina

I’m sure many of you have seen this movie, and honestly, I’m not sure why it took me 24 years after its release to finally get around to it. Could be because I was seven when it came out; I’m not sure if that’s the reason, but we’ll pretend it is.

Set after the landings at Normandy, this film follows a group of soldiers led by Hanks, who set out to find a paratrooper lost behind enemy lines. And this isn’t any normal paratrooper: it’s Matt Damon—the man who plays roles where someone has to retrieve him all the time. Seriously, if you Google how much money has been spent rescuing Damon on screen, you won’t be shocked. Well, maybe a little because the number is astronomical, but still. He’s good at being stranded . . . and we’ll keep saving him until he’s old and tired.

Enough about Damon, this film is also a masterpiece. The harrowing battle scenes, the cast, the cinematography, the score (John Williams), the costumes, everything. I love war movies, and I’ve seen my fair share, but this one stands out because it truly shows the horrors of war in a way not easily captured on film, except in documentaries. It feels real and that’s what’s so great . . . and terrifying about it. War sucks. We all know that. So, for Spielberg to show it in the way in which it genuinely occurred is peak cinema. Yes, peak cinema. Never said that, but I’m saying it now.

Opening Night (’77)

Director: John Cassavetes

Writer: John Cassavetes

Cast: Gena Rowlands, John Cassavetes, Joan Blondell, Ben Gazzara, Paul Stewart, Zohra Lampert, Laura Johnson, and John Tuell

Cassavetes. Cassavetes. Cassavetes. This man could do it all. Write, direct, produce, star, whatever; Cassavetes could do it. Add in casting his wife, Gena Rowlands, in the lead and you have a film you can’t look away from. Seriously. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Gena Rowlands is one of, if not THE best actress of all-time. She can portray any emotion better than anyone (go watch A Woman Under the Influence after or before you watch Opening Night). She gets completely involved in her characters to the point where she becomes them, and there’s no better example of that than this film.

In Opening Night, Rowlands plays renowned Broadway actress, Myrtle Gordon, who’s preparing for her next role. However, she’s slowly spiraling toward a breakdown at the same time. But here’s the kicker, her breakdown coalesces with that of the character she’s playing on stage. So, all of her friends see her heading toward a state of psychosis, and while she very well may be going that way, each second she gets worse in reality, her performance improves.

It’s a heck of a film; one that will make you understand why I say Rowlands is arguably the best actress to ever grace the silver screen. Nothing against my favorites (Gene Tierney, Judy Holliday, Kay Francis, Carole Landis, Shelley Winters, etc.), but Rowlands is the shit.

Honorable Mention:

Easy Living (’37)

Theodora Goes Wild (’36)

The Best of Everything (’59)

The Majestic (2001)

My Top 5 The Dick Van Dyke Show Episodes + Laura's Famous Dip Taste Test

When it came to deciding what to write about for my first blog post, I struggled. There are so many movies, shows, vintage recipes, what-have-you I could have tackled for this inaugural piece. It only took several hours of watching ‘The Dick Van Dyke Show’ to realize, why not write about this? I watch the show several times every week and since I started it many years ago, it’s easily become one of my favorite shows of all-time. It’s just one of those sitcoms that can turn a bad day into a great day. Not many others can do that—at least for me.

Nonetheless, here are five of my favorite episodes, a little about each, and why I love that particular episode. Plus, a little bonus recipe somewhere in the fold.

 

The Curious Thing About Women (S1E16)

Director: John Rich

Writers: Carl Reiner and Frank Tarloff

Air Date: January 10th, 1962

This episode begins like most Dick Van Dyke Show episodes: at home. Rob enters the kitchen to have breakfast before he heads off to work, and shortly thereafter Laura enters holding the mail. Rob asks what’s for him and Laura tells him he’s received a letter from his cousin. Well, to Rob’s amusement the letter’s already been opened and Laura has read the entire thing. It gets to the point where Rob doesn’t even need to read the letter himself because Laura’s able to recite every last bit of it to him.

Naturally, this little bit doesn’t go unnoticed in the comedy-writing brain of Rob Petrie. When he gets to work later that morning, he tells Buddy and Sally what happened, and the three of them decide to write a sketch about the incident for ‘The Alan Brady Show.’ However, in the sketch it’s not just one little piece of mail that Laura opens . . . it’s a giant inflatable boat from the war surplus store—an idea that came to Rob because he had recently ordered one to go fishing.

Well, time passes and eventually Laura sees the skit on TV. The character has her name, her likeness, and does everything she did that morning. Laura gets upset because now she thinks all her friends and neighbors will think she’s kooky.

Hint: they do.

So, this makes Laura decide to stop opening Rob’s mail . . . until one day when a big package addressed to Rob arrives. I won’t say anymore, but for those who’ve seen this episode, the ending is gold.

This is one of those television episodes that never fails to pick me up. It’s hysterical throughout, even in moments where it could have lagged. Plus, it makes me wonder if this idea came to Carl Reiner or Frank Tarloff because something like this happened in one of their lives. Even if it didn’t, I’m going to pretend it did because where else would an idea like this sprout from? I know a lot of my writing comes from experiences even if the story isn’t anything like my own life; bits and pieces of what I write are always relevant to something personal to me. I’m sure most writers are the same, at least in some capacity.

Anyways, if you’ve never seen ‘The Dick Van Dyke Show’ and want to watch one random episode to get a feel for the style of the show, start here. It’s in the first season and it’ll have you laughing your pants off. Literally. Mine are on the floor.

 

My Husband is Not a Drunk (S2E6)

Director: Alan Rafkin

Writer: Carl Reiner

Air Date: October 31st, 1962

In this episode, one of Rob’s old army buddies stops by for a dinner party; however, unlike most guests, this one (played by guest star Charles Aidman) has a unique talent. He’s a hypnotist. Naturally, all the guests at the party want to be hypnotized, so Glen (Aidman) does just that. He gets Millie to think Jerry is Rock Hudson, Laura to impersonate Abraham Lincoln, and Jerry to lecture about how much he loves himself. Lastly, he tries to hypnotize Buddy into acting drunk every time he hears a bell, but it doesn’t work . . . at least not on Buddy. While in the kitchen getting a drink for his son, Ritchie, Rob picks up the post-hypnotic suggestion and becomes resoundingly inebriated every time he hears a bell ring. But he has no idea . . . and neither does anyone else, at least not for awhile.

The next day, Rob goes to work still under the post-hypnotic suggestion. Hilarity ensues when a phone won’t stop ringing and one of The Alan Brady Show’s sponsors stops in to chat with Rob. I don’t want to go into too much detail because I could easily write up a thousand words about that scene, but I will say this: very few actors can act as ridiculously drunk as Dick Van Dyke.

It’s like his body is made of jell-o because he just wobbles around effortlessly. His legs are almost independent from his body with the fluidity of their motion. Add in the somewhat slurred speech and the constant state of delirium, and you have a drunken comedy masterclass.

This episode sort of makes me want to get hypnotized, but with my luck, my post-hypnotic suggestion would be something like, “Every time you hear a dog bark, you violently crave a spam jell-o mold and you won’t be satisfied until you consume one.” So, I’ll have to pass.

 

It May Look Like a Walnut (S2E20)

Director: Jerry Paris

Writer: Carl Reiner

Air Date: February 6th, 1963

While lying in bed, Rob and Laura finish watching a sci-fi movie on television—well, Rob finishes it. Laura hides under the covers because she’s too frightened to see how the picture ends. The movie deals with a race of aliens called ‘Twilo-ites,’ led by Kolak (who apparently looks like Danny Thomas), who come to earth to get us to stop invading their area, aka space. However, there’s one thing about these human-like aliens that stands out: they only eat walnuts. Well, that, and they have two extra eyes hiding underneath the hair on the backs of their heads. You know, nothing too crazy. Okay, they also don’t have thumbs, drink water to breathe, and apparently lack imagination. That’s it, though, I swear.

After being teased by Rob several times after the film, Laura tells Rob when he wakes up all he’ll have from now on are walnuts. Well, when Rob wakes up, peculiar things start happening all around him.

For starters, the living room floor is covered in walnuts, Laura’s drinking her morning glass of ‘fresh air,’ and Ritchie says he had a “nice bowl of hot walnuts” for breakfast. Then, when Rob gets to the office, Buddy’s snacking on walnuts and Sally claims to have met Kolak the day he came to earth to visit the UN. Also, neither have a sense of humor. All these events start getting on Rob’s nerves because he thinks this charade is all just a joke Laura concocted, but now it’s gone too far to where it’s scaring him.

This is arguably the best episode of ‘The Dick Van Dyke Show’ and such an easy one to love. Carl Reiner created an absurd, yet priceless science fiction story that probably would have fared well on the show it was mimicking. You know, that one sci-fi series everyone still loves to this day? Yeah, that one. While they may not have had Rod Serling on as a guest star, they did manage to get Danny Thomas who was still in the midst of his own television series, ‘The Danny Thomas Show,’ which was in its tenth season.

This is just one of those television episodes I could watch every single day and never tire of. I catch something new each time, while finding myself full of mirth afterward. Plus, Van Dyke does his Boris Karloff impression at the beginning and it might even be better than Boris himself. Okay, that’s a stretch, but you get it.

 

All About Eavesdropping (S3E5)

Director: Stanley Z. Cherry

Writer: Carl Reiner, Sheldon Keller, Howard Merrill

Air Date: October 23rd, 1963

This one begins with Rob and Laura getting ready to visit Jerry and Millie next door for a little dinner party. While waiting on Laura, Rob trips over one of Ritchie’s toys, which turns out to be an “interplanetary intercom,” which is basically just an early version of a walkie talkie. Rob picks it up and sets it on the table, wherein he starts to hear Jerry and Millie talking about Laura’s special recipe for “Avocado and Peanut Butter Dip.” Laura enters the room and hears Jerry diss the dish, so now she becomes fully invested in the accidental eavesdropping with her husband. At this point, Millie also speaks ill of the dip and claims Laura may have intentionally left out an ingredient (mustard), so she can forever say she makes the best version of the dip. Millie goes on to mention that Laura also once gave her the design for a dress and left off a sleeve. Then, Jerry says Rob’s no Albert Schweitzer, which Rob takes probably a little too much offense to. After all, he’s not a theologist, philosopher, or physician. And yes, I had to Google who Albert Schweitzer was.

After Jerry and Millie walk away from the intercom, Rob and Laura turn their end off, and debate whether they should go to the party or not. They end up going, but make sure not to enjoy themselves in any capacity, while also making back-handed comments toward the Helpers (Jerry and Millie). 

By the episode’s end, Rob and Laura let Jerry and Millie know what they heard via the connection between their sons’ toys. Everyone apologizes and becomes friends again.

So, when I originally posted on Twitter that I had figured out my first blog post, I knew I had to make the recipe from this episode because of how absurd it is. Peanut butter and avocado dip? What in the world? After doing some research, I only found one recipe for this potential abomination. It calls for:

·      1 avocado (mashed)

·      1 tbs creamy peanut butter

·      ¼ tsp yellow mustard

·      Dash of cayenne

·      1 tsp honey

·      Juice of 1 lemon

·      Salt & pepper to taste

After mixing everything together, the result looked a little like vomit. The green and brown did not mix pleasantly (see picture). My wife and I used potato chips or as they’re called in the show, “potato poopies” to be the vessel for this potential nightmare.

Well, somehow, it wasn’t awful. We initially couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, or even sweet or savory. We each took a few more dips into the mixture and got more each time to try and figure out the flavor, and honestly it just tasted like avocado and peanut butter. Every other element fell to the wayside. It got to the point where I think I started to like it, or would at least slather it on top of a burger. I don’t know, guys. I’m just as surprised as you. It really wasn’t that bad. Hopefully, the next TV show-inspired recipe I make at least tastes as bad as it sounds. Wait . . .

 

The Ghost of A. Chantz (S4E2)

Director: Jerry Paris

Writer: Carl Reiner, Bill Perskey, Sam Denoff

Air Date: September 30th, 1964

Last, but not least is this ghostly adventure of an episode. It starts with Alan Brady sending the writing staff of ‘The Alan Brady Show’ to a resort in the mountains to work on a new show idea. However, he apparently forgot to make reservations for anyone outside of himself and the show’s producer, Mel Cooley. This leads to Rob, Laura, Buddy, and Sally staying in an allegedly haunted cabin near the lake because it’s the only thing the resort’s proprietor could find available.

When the group first moves into the room, it seems beautiful and unlikely to be haunted. Naturally, this is when things start to take a turn for the worse. First, a fire in the fireplace starts unexpectedly. Next, when Rob and Buddy lay on the pull-out couch to go to sleep and Rob turns off the light, it turns back on almost immediately. Every time he turns it off, it turns back on. Then, the front door of the cabin opens on its own, the wooden chair starts randomly rocking, and Laura sees a man with a mustache in the mirror of her and Sally’s bedroom.

Things only get more and more eerie, and hilarious, from here on out. I’d love to tell you every little incident that occurs, but for those who haven’t seen the episode or those who haven’t seen it in a long time, I’d love for your next watch to be fresh-ish.

All in all, none of what the group experienced was actually caused by a ghost—it was all just a joke by Alan and Mel, with footage of everyone freaking out to be used in their new show, ‘Sneaky Camera’—a play on the long-running show, ‘Candid Camera.’

This is such a fun episode that I watched it twice just for this blog post. And, guess what, I may go watch it again now.

A Vintage Blog

For the past few months, I’ve been wrestling with the idea of starting a blog about things I love because I wasn’t sure anyone would want to read it. Well . . . with the encouragement of my Twitter friends, I’ve decided to give it a go.

With that, be ready for (hopefully) frequent posts about movies, classic TV/games shows, and the occasional venture into taste-testing absurd vintage recipes. I’d also love to do guest blog posts from other writers whose work I enjoy.

Sooooo let’s go!